German Stay Marathon

Contact:

Communications, United National Committee

unitednationalcommittee@gmail.com

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Hammons Ready to Run Marathon for German Stay

Wednesday, February 5, 2025 (Cruciniacum, Germany) – The Chair of the Unity Party of America (https://unitypartyamerica.us), with an eye on the headlines out of America and George Orwell’s most dystopian science fiction, has formally put the Federal Republic of Germany on notice that, so oder so, he’s staying put in the land of his birth, whether it be as a businessman bringing American (dollar)s back to Bad Kreuznach or a simple refugee from the gathering storm of tyranny.

“We shall see what happens in the next 48 hours or so,” says Unity Party Chairman Bill Hammons. “Regular readers of the party’s communications will recall that the (interim) chair of the Unity Party of Germany, born into an American military family on an accidental side of the Atlantic (or is this case more proof that there are no accidents in God’s Great Simulation?) has reached this point with the Bundesrepublik before, but they won’t recall (because it hasn’t happened before) that the authorities have been officially notified of my intentions (then again, the lines between the lines have been there for the entire world to read from the very beginning of this journey in place in the Rhineland).

“This morning I requested another extension of my residency permit application deadline because, if for no other reason, I’ve discovered that getting the required health insurance at the age of 50 and on a deadline is not necessarily a given. I have to admit that this discovery threw me for a loop, and partly to disprove the questions that it might raise in a distant future where more than a few people might actually care about the health of Herr Hammons, I’m pledging here and now to run a marathon to the Rhine on Saturday if my Teutonic hosts allow me to retain the dignity of the free, even if the effort will be more à la P. Diddy and Pheidippides versus the events we all know. Oh, and to do this the Chairman needs new running shoes (readers know the links, and we ain’t talkin’ golf, folks). And if there isn’t shoe money, maybe I’ll just head to Hamburg to stalk the Civ 7 crowd and find out why they thought Dan Quayle was worth keeping. Forward UP.”

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This communication paid for by the United National Committee of the Unity Party of America to advance the liberation of future Unity Party of America voters. Not authorized by any candidate or candidate’s committee, nor any authoritarian regime anywhere in the world.