Joaquin Phoenix Birthday

Contact:

Communications, United National Committee

unitednationalcommittee@gmail.com

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Hammons Tells Joaquin Phoenix: “Happy Birthday, Young Man.”

Monday, October 28, 2024 (Somewhere in a country with more holes in its border than a wheel of Swiss cheese) – Unity Party Chairman Bill Hammons wishes actor Joaquin Phoenix a happy 50th, welcoming him to the AARP set of Americans.

“While, to be clear, I am not Mr. Phoenix’s agent, I’d still like to take the liberty of wishing Commodus-Napoleon a happy birthday,” says United National Committee Chair Hammons. “I encourage my friend in Hollywood to ditch the vegan diet (one should judge a nation by how well it can pull off a Big Mac) and take up running long-distance races in his old age to help promote Unity (‘Runners United,’ anyone?); and I also encourage the whole world to google ‘ben affleck agent,’ ‘eric bodenstab,’ and my up-and-coming favorite, ‘unity party,’ and be on notice that the SEO-savvy founder and chair of the Unity Party is just getting started at 50, even after a few setbacks such as the hijacking of a website that’s doing a nosedive back in Colorado and a former running mate who’s off his rocker.

“But I’m here to confirm that one of the beauties of being fit at 50 is that you’ve seen much of it all before, and don’t have to let anything phase you if you choose not to let it. Heck, this American was even able to make it back into Germany from a visit to the grave of General George S. Patton and a bit of other sightseeing without having his ticket checked, much less his passport. Perhaps the growing number of Bundestag delegates on this press release list might want to consider more substantive solutions to the immigration crisis, especially in light of the wave from the West that’s about to wash over Europe with the re-election of a dictator on the other side of the Atlantic? Just putting it out there. Forward UP.”

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